Stormy Weather

I made him say the words so that things were crystal clear, no room for misinterpretation or confusion......"I don't want to be with you anymore"They were not the words that I wanted to hear, but they were words I needed to hear. Like a storm my emotions swirled about me hate, fear, resentment, panic, love. Yet at the very core I felt calm, a stillness in knowing. The truth is an awful thing to hear and face sometimes but it's better to know things as truth then to be left always doubting.I should be grateful to have had the time together that we did, and I am. I hope that after the storm has passed we will have both survived, moving onto a friendship that can whether anything..I still love you. I need a hurricaneTo straighted out this placeIt maybe the only wayTo salvage any sense I have leftTo move on~Mindy Smith~

Simply Stiff (delayed post)

There's Drama......
Sunday June 13th marked the return of the HBO hit Six feet Under. Following the everyday lives of the Fisher familyand the "stiffs" theyencounter along the way. Morbid, morose, manic and lovin' every minute of it. HBO pumps out more quality viewing than any other U.S. superstation; with Sex and the City, Sopranos, Deadwood and Carnivale just to name a few. If you have to watch one HBO series to keep up with the Jones' Six Feet Under is a must. Moving into it's 4th season story lines and character developments take us deeper and deeper into the struggles of life and mortality. Director Alan Ball "American Beauty" and a slew of guest directors including Kathy Bates "Everwood" and Nicole Holofcener "Lovely & Amazing" make each show an amazing work of beautifully twisted comedic art.
And then there's Drama.....
Simple Life 2 has started up, those trash talkin', catwalkin' glam girls of endless cash and class are at it again. Dropping by the homes of middle class america, frightening farm animals and whipping young lads into a state of sexual confusion. I'm not sure what it is exactly that attracts me to this show, the pretty colours, the pancake make-up or Nicole Richie's man voice.I shame facedly purchased the first season of haut hijinx on DVD. Please don't hate me.
clickity click:
SFU and SL2

Deafening Silence

Sometimes the difference between what you hear, and what you want to hear can be deafening. The silence said more to me than words could ever convey……. The situation means nothing, the answer means everything, it’s the principal behind it that matters. When hesitation is the first reaction you know it is not going to be good. The only reason for hesitation would be if there were doubts, and if there are doubts things should go no further, no more “I love you(s)” should be spoken and no plans for a future need be made. Stand where I’ve been and remember that I did not hesitate.

The truth as I know it.

The 4th of June will mark the third follow-up appointment I’ve attended since being released from the short stay unit of Abby J. Lane.I’m sure this visit will be as cold, clinical and stringent as the previous two. However I’m harboring guilt about this trip in particular. The lady I will be seeing is Linda MacBride. I initially met Linda a year ago after my family doctor referred me to a physician working in the mental health field; it was everything I feared it to be. (questions about my sexuality, recounting past feelings, tracing family history and poking at childhood bruises). Amongst the flurry of questions to which I politely answered “yes, mam, no mam” there was one question that when asked struck a chord within me, causing feelings of resentment, disgust and embarrassment. “Have you ever had feelings of harming yourself or others?”To which I curtly replied “No, not at all”. Whether she saw thru me that day or not was of no concern to me, I just wanted out of that office and far away from here. On June 4th I will have to look Linda in the eyes again, this time I imagine my medical records will be open neatly on her desk. The white and canary carbon copy pages detailing every event in the past few months will tell all, I will be an open book. The lines that cross my wrists being the strongest statement of them all……I lied.

Pour me a cup of ambition

I guess this may fall under the category “be careful what you wish for”.When I left my relationship of nearly 7years I wanted for both of us to be happy and this sentiment still holds true. I thought that maybe after making some much-needed changes in my life things would work themselves out and the pieces would fall back into place. Almost 3 months have passed and I’m feeling “happier” but still something is missing, it’s him. I still love my “ex” there’s no denying it, but what started out as a decision for the best appears to have bitten me hard on the ass.I am very thankful I’ve been able to invest time in addressing “issues” that might otherwise have been ignored had I remained in our relationship. I am also very thankful that my “ex” has had the opportunity to get back to basics and find out what really makes him happy. Unfortunately our ideas of happiness are like night and day. My “ex” has taken the creative route to happiness, his serious lack of ambition and a new found pot smoking habit has left me feeling rather light headed and heavy hearted. I am by no means judging anyone; in fact my mother and one of my siblings are avid users of pot, each having their own reasons and justifications. The point I’m trying to make is that it’s just not for me personally. I am also beginning to question the validity of a relationship when it is always being pursued during an altered state.Change is what I asked for and change is what I got.Maybe things don’t just fall into place after all, perhaps I’m using the wrong pieces of the puzzle altogether?….

When every pop song is written for you

...The saddest part of a broken heart isn't the ending so much as the start....Leslie Feist.~Let It Die~

20/20 Vision

It’s amazing when moments of clarity strike, on a bus, in the shower, watching your favorite television show or my personal favorite…while being on the phone with my “ex”.Without the risk of sounding to proud or pathetic I’ve always been on the defense about admitting that I still love my “ex”. Yes that’s “THE” love that I’m speaking of, not the brotherly love, family love or friendship love. I’m talking about the bona fide real deal.It’s been a little more than 2 months since I’ve left, my time has been occupied with work, family, medical professionals, help from a good friend and the uneasy feeling of growing apart. Reality Squared:I’m beginning to believe that my 10th grade math teacher was onto something when she said that mathematical problems exist all around us, and in fact control every facet of our lives. It’s the only logical explanation so far. I was absolutely terrible in math and true to form in my relationship. I’m now faced with a reality created by my own actions. I’m still in love with my “ex” who is now in love with someone new. I guess it’s not really fair to say that he’s IN love with this person, but there is a very strong interest on his part in perusing this someone new. In knowing this I have no idea which direction my life should take. Face the facts that I’ve messed up and accept my losses, or do I sit idly by hoping that things don’t work out for him? Either way both options are shitty.In retrospect I’m so tired of thinking about the situation that I almost want someone to make up my mind for me (namely the “ex”). Which is it…..Fight for the one that you love.Or obey the old adage. If you love someone let them go.

Secret Hopes

Something so simple,· The feeling you get when you forgive someone· The feeling you get when someone forgives you· Wondering if…..· Going homeSomething not so simple,· Believing what is in your heart

Posted Premonition

Let it be known the story of “X, Y and I” was posted on May 11th 11:49am. It looks as though I posted too soon.On May 11th 6:43pm I received a message from a very troubled X. He’s made a terrible mistake in leaving and wants to come “home”.I’m grateful that X has learned from his choices and values the advice of family and friends. More importantly discovering self worth along the way. I just wish that we could all gain such wisdom and knowing without tears, doubt and pain.He has tried, but not failed.~Welcome Home~

Reflection and Warning

This is the story of X, Y and I.The story begins long before I ever came into the picture. X and Y were a couple for nearly three years, a couple like any other gay couple I’m sure, good times, bad times and everything in between. One day things between X and Y became rough, jagged, bitter, sad and ended. It wasn’t all in one day, perhaps many, but who can tell time in love and war.X becomes a stronger individual, even though Y tries as he might to break his spirit and pride. I’ve never been sure of exactly what it is that Y hopes to accomplish by treating X this way, it’s something I hope never to experience. X leaves Y and promises himself that he will never return, it’s the strongest feeling he ever remembers having all at once.Many cold, lonely uncertain months pass and X moves to a new city to see what fate has in store. Although feeling alone and a bit out of place he soon comes to adore his new home, friends and freedom. This is where I come in.X and I meet, just like any or many other guys meet in a city of few. Something clicks, perhaps it’s the undeniable damage of our pasts that we bear, two broken hearts that were looking for nothing more then to be found and understood. Minutes to hours, hours to days, days to weeks. X and I are glad to have found someone and something in each other.This is where Y returns.X tried as he might to be happy and new. His past pushed, pulled and tugged at his very core, more than he ever knew. X, afraid of really letting go of the past soon realises that the love he feels for Y is stronger than he could ever fathom and that maybe his heart needed to go home again.Like anyone in love, the well of feelings that runs deeper and wider than any vein often takes over the diplomatic senses of the brain, things are done in haste. X leaves friends, family and I to return to the life of Y. This is not a tale of bitterness or sorrow, but a testament of the heart. I wish X a world of happiness with Y, never doubting what lies within himself.Something that I believe all people possess is the ability to sense and know what the future holds without ever saying a word. It’s not always a clear knowing, more so a fog or faded photograph coming into focus as it nears. It may be time upon time but I know this will not be the end of the story for X, Y and I.

It's all been said by someone before

It's only love that I'm looking for.Maybe love is waitng at the end of every road.I don't know.Well maybe, maybe is alright.

.A friend indeed.

Good friends (true friends) are few and far between and for this reason I dedicate this journal entry to Mathieu Despres.~Friends instinctually know when something is wrong and with the slightest gesture and least amount of words can make you feel at ease~During my darkest hour, when I was too ashamed and afraid to ask for help Mathieu was there. Without asking he knew what to do and say to reassure me that everything would be okay….He was right. I could never thank Mathieu enough, for his time, understanding and compassion. There will always be a special place in my heart for “Matty-boy” (The dirty little boy from Cap-Pele)I wish him the best in life and a love that is truly serendipitous. Thank you Matty-boyCinnamon Rocks!

I'm tired of over thinking

If you love someone, you love someone.
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What things do people give up within them selves for the sake of love?

Do you just forget about how someone can push your buttons?
Dismiss their unkempt ways?
If you have different social views, do you bend?
When cultural affairs vary, should you sway?
When jealousy, lies and infidelity are sprinkled throughout a relationship,
do you turn a blind eye?
Should opinions of family and friends make you think?
Is loving someone unconditionally the only way to love?

I’m trying to move on but my head and this city are too small, voices follow you around every corner. Like a bruise, it hurts to touch but something keeps drawing me back.
Will I always want to go to back to what I’ve known as home?

“…. I'd get on the freewayKeep driving 'til next TuesdayAnd put a thousand milesBetween us, or moreBut I know that's not possibleAll the streets here run in circlesI wouldn't even make itOut of the core…..”
-Martina Sobara

The continuing process.....

The List:I am social. He is not.I have strong family ties. He does not.I am an open book. He is not.I am motivated. He is not.I give people the benefit of the doubt. He is judgmental.I require (above average) sexual attention. He does not.I am a clean freak. He is not.He is a jealous person by nature. I am not.He likes to be alone. I do not.He procrastinates. I do not.I understand that in order to be happy I need to make exceptions to the rule and let go of the past. This proves to be the single most daunting task and perhaps these underlying past issues are the main reason for our breakup. Our past mainly revolves around abandonment issues, but there is a much larger story behind it all....isn’t there always?

A list of things

I’m trying terribly to come to terms with the decisions I’ve made in my life and the choices I’ve made based on a relationship gone belly-up.Some days are crystal clear, there’s movement towards a better day and then in the same instance an undertow of emotion grabs hold. Trying to move forward while doubts and memories cloud my every thought makes the simplest of tasks seem tremendous.When I have a day of doubts I sit and write a list of reasonable and otherwise sane reasons for leaving my relationship with Wayne (I think this is the first time I’ve used his name). No matter how long or short the lists I still can’t seem to shake this feeling of error. Even more pressing is the overwhelming reality of making the same mistakes twice.I imagine the impression left by this relationship will echo on for longer than I care to admit. My new life needs to start now!

Undone and Waiting

The bottom has come up faster than I thought, distraction couldn’t slow its approach.I’ve gotten the better of me and now all I can do is wait for happier days. I know that the distance between here and there isn’t that far off, but like looking down a hallway of doors things appear to stretch on for days.I have a family and friends that love me and that’s enough for me to want to get better.All apologies must seem used by now, but there is truth in every one of them.

hurry up and wait.

Living in fast-forward for the past week isn’t really having the effect I’d hoped it would.You would think I were a man with a death sentence, trying to live every minute to it’s fullest. Not only am I lacking sleep, working 11 days straight and doing everything there is to do in Halifax in the name of distraction. I’m also still thinking about my “ex” and whether I really know what I’m doing anymore.Only 2 things are for certain, This pit in my stomach is growing. I doubt everything I do.

Moving On

It’s been 10 days since my last LJ entry and the “big break”. I feel the need to clarify my feelings a little more in order to move on.Saying that I “didn’t love my boyfriend as much as he loved me” was the wrong sentiment. The true reason for leaving may have been the fact that I loved him just enough, enough to realize that things just weren’t going to work out…I hadn’t realized during our relationship that I was always trying to change him.Hindsight is never a good feeling.I’m sure this entry must portray me as a martyr, believe me when I say there is no sympathy being sought here. Only a sense of absolution.This concludes our therapy session for today.I really need to get of this couch.

End of time

How do you tell someone that you don’t love them as much as they love you?Is it normal to have someone love you so much, but feel nothing in return?These are questions I’ve been harboring for sometime.Friday March 6, 2004 marks the end of a 7year relationship; it is a day I will never forget.I know that I am not the first, nor last to feel the pain of saying goodbye. Although sad now, I know in time that things will work out for the best. I pray for a fast-forward in time where feelings have mended and hearts have forgiven.Until then I lie in wait.

Street Prophets

For those of you just tuning in…It’s 2am on the east coast and I think the snow has stopped. It’s hard to tell, as the winds are still pretty strong causing blowing snow and what looks like gigantic swirls of dessert topping to manifest on street corners.It’s amazing how a province can be declared a “state of emergency” and yet appears more beautiful than ever. I suppose even the darkest of days look much brighter when blanketed with white. The sound of my breathing and the literal growl of the wind is what I thought would keep me company this morning, but the white paths, once roadways, were spotted with dark silhouettes of other nite time folk. I’m not sure why they were out, perhaps they had to be to work as well, maybe boredom/curiosity had lead them to the streets. One gentleman I passed acted as an un-official weather forecaster announcing that the storm should lift by 4 or 6am…. I hope he’s right.

Panick Stricken

For the second time in less than a year the Provincial Government has declared Nova Scotia as being in a “state of emergency”What does this mean for God fearing folk along the eastern coast?Well that depends on who you ask. For most it means slower service (if any at all) from their local Tim Horton’s, an interruption in cable/internet services and possibly a loss of power. To others it’s a time to get on the phone and start calling anyone that will listen to how hard you’ve got it. I love the city of Halifax as much as the next guy, and for the most part people really do pull together in a time of crisis, and in fact become much friendlier over all. Perhaps out of fear being “the straw that broke the camels back”.However, there is still the undeniable percentage of the general public that at the slightest bit of inconvenience becomes complete and utter assholes!Case in point; I work at the IWK Health Centre, as a switchboard operator (Sounds thrilling I know). As a switchboard operator we are the central nervous system for the entire hospital, literally. Processing all calls patients/emergency/doctors, you name it we get it! If my ass weren’t in this chair you wouldn’t be getting the medical attention that you need…(Talk about a God complex)Call after call each individual believes, that beyond a shadow of a doubt, their emergency is more dire than the last. I understand that when people are faced with an emergency situation they become a tad bit panicked, losing direction, general thought and apparently all common sense But come on’ people, throw me a frickin’ bone here! Take a deep breathe, listen to my voice, it shall guide you. We don’t need to hear about your grocery list, what the dog did on the carpet or who stopped by for tea and crumpets. Get to the point! All we need is a name or a department, and with angelic contentment in my voice I will transfer your call.There are literally hundreds of workers throughout the city of Halifax trying their best to help things run as smoothly as possible. It’s not anyone’s fault that Mother Nature is throwing a tantrum, we all just need to deal, and by doing so I mean step your big fat ass back away from the phone! Sit tight, eat another ding dong and everything will be alright.This has been a public service announcement brought to you by me!

jumping on the bandwagon, errr' bra strap?

The fall out of Mz. Jackson's breast at the Rose Bowl halftime show has hit hard and close to home....who's next....
That's Mz. Piggy if you're nasty!

Strumming in my brain

I’m hooked, yet again on a female musician
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I am aware that musical taste is to each his/her own.
However, this sassy gal shall not be denied!

Prepare for the parting of the air, the breath….

Leslie Feist:

Everyone has a story

At the age of 27 I’m feeling like a shell. Empty.I have yet to experience or to contribute to anything that holds any real meaning.Caught up in the “better body, better mind” movement, thinking I would be happier with a personal change, I joined a local gym. I enjoy going to the gym as an outlet to releases pent up energy or aggression (especially after work). And I do enjoy seeing the physical changes as time passes, however this is still not quite what I was looking for.Thinking that perhaps I could find fulfillment within others, I tried branching out into “the community”, to no avail. I’m meeting guys that are wolves in sheep’s clothing. Seemingly nice average guys, dreams, goals, aspirations, and lots to talk about. But screw that! Let’s try to get into your pants instead, not exactly a fulfilling situation.I don’t want to come off as a whiner or a constant complainer; I generally have a pretty good life. I’ve had my up’s & downs like many others and for the most part have broken even, actually…. looking back I’ve fared pretty damn well I’d say.Divorced parentsBi-Polar Mother Workaholic FatherA slew of “prospective mom/dad” replacements“Survivor” of childhood molestation (ages 9 – 11)2 Attempted suicides Being GayI hate to include “being gay” in the category of trials and tribulations. Being gay is just being gay. I feel I’ve lived just as much as the next guy, or at least up until this point in my life. I just want to feel like I’ve accomplished something that’s all. Perhaps I need to become a Big Brother (do they let gays do that?), help advance sustainable living in a third world country or join a “kabutz” (I believe this is mostly a Jewish tradition). I have no idea what to do, or where to start but something’s gotta give. So keep your eyes open, yours truly is making a dash for something better…..

Wait a minute Mr. Postman

I'm having a love affair....Shhhhh it's supposed to be a secret.The only people that know are myself and the accounting departmet of amazon.com/amazon.ca (it all depends on who's got the goods)For the past month and 1/2 on a weekly basis I have been ordering one, and only one item for shipment at a time. (usually something that I can't find locally). ie: I'll order an item Monday(am) and bingo instant heart flutter Thursday/Friday when I have a gift stuffed in my box (mail box that is)I open my mail and shriek with excitement upon finding a small brown cardboard package addressed to a one Mr. Mark Lively. This isn't a false excitement either. This is real Christmas time/Clearing house sweepstakes/more than one piece of pork in this can of beans kind of emotions I'm talking about here. Each and everytime I get a package from (amazon) I ask "what could this be" and "I wonder who could have sent it", out loud so that any passers by may hear. All the while batting my eyelashes as if a southern belle at a spring time gala. Of course knowing what the item really is and that nobody really loves me that much. Which reminds me Jesus Son dvd should be here Thursday without fail.I'm sure this love affair will end in the same fashion as all others do, feeling bitter, used and broke (emotionally and financially). It's an affair that I have promised to end with the passing of the cold grey days of winter....or at least until the gentlemen at MasterCard start calling.Things that brought me love,Leona Naess "Leona naess"Bjork: Greatest Hits Volumen 1993-2003 dvdCardigans "Other Side of the Moon"Nerina Pallot "Dear Frustrated Superstar"Hysterical Blindness dvdJesus Son dvd

Things I do on Monday morning at 3:07am

Just thought i'd drop by my LJ and write a few quick notes:1) Watched the fianle of "Angels in America" and came to the realization that although I'm not the "most smartest" or worldly of fellows, I DO get turned on by spectacular writing. I'm very jealous of those who possess the talent to put pen to paper and convey wit, emotion and truth. 2) At 3:07am snow falling on the city has become my favorite natural occurence. Fresh snow, especially the heavy wet stuff (with staying power) can make everything stand still for just a moment. Quite, clean and uncomplicated. I'm sure it'll be chaos by morning.3) No matter the age, I'm sure anyone who stays up past their bedtime encounters a period (although brief) wherein everything seems utterly funny, no matter how lame. Exhibit (A) for the courtroom.Night, Night Y'all.

How to lose a guy in 6 years

To the one that I love(d); Should you happen to stumble across this LJ, let it stand as testament to the rage in which you instill within me.Expect much, Give little.Reprimand and Never give thanks.Spend, be Un-employed.Dirty (things) and Never clean.Live selfishly, Complain about everything.continue to be thyself....All things that lead to a healthy, happy, functioning relationship. (In your world)Got It?Get It!PS: Not that I like to sound bitter, used and jaded.much love to all!