Secret Hopes

Something so simple,· The feeling you get when you forgive someone· The feeling you get when someone forgives you· Wondering if…..· Going homeSomething not so simple,· Believing what is in your heart

Posted Premonition

Let it be known the story of “X, Y and I” was posted on May 11th 11:49am. It looks as though I posted too soon.On May 11th 6:43pm I received a message from a very troubled X. He’s made a terrible mistake in leaving and wants to come “home”.I’m grateful that X has learned from his choices and values the advice of family and friends. More importantly discovering self worth along the way. I just wish that we could all gain such wisdom and knowing without tears, doubt and pain.He has tried, but not failed.~Welcome Home~

Reflection and Warning

This is the story of X, Y and I.The story begins long before I ever came into the picture. X and Y were a couple for nearly three years, a couple like any other gay couple I’m sure, good times, bad times and everything in between. One day things between X and Y became rough, jagged, bitter, sad and ended. It wasn’t all in one day, perhaps many, but who can tell time in love and war.X becomes a stronger individual, even though Y tries as he might to break his spirit and pride. I’ve never been sure of exactly what it is that Y hopes to accomplish by treating X this way, it’s something I hope never to experience. X leaves Y and promises himself that he will never return, it’s the strongest feeling he ever remembers having all at once.Many cold, lonely uncertain months pass and X moves to a new city to see what fate has in store. Although feeling alone and a bit out of place he soon comes to adore his new home, friends and freedom. This is where I come in.X and I meet, just like any or many other guys meet in a city of few. Something clicks, perhaps it’s the undeniable damage of our pasts that we bear, two broken hearts that were looking for nothing more then to be found and understood. Minutes to hours, hours to days, days to weeks. X and I are glad to have found someone and something in each other.This is where Y returns.X tried as he might to be happy and new. His past pushed, pulled and tugged at his very core, more than he ever knew. X, afraid of really letting go of the past soon realises that the love he feels for Y is stronger than he could ever fathom and that maybe his heart needed to go home again.Like anyone in love, the well of feelings that runs deeper and wider than any vein often takes over the diplomatic senses of the brain, things are done in haste. X leaves friends, family and I to return to the life of Y. This is not a tale of bitterness or sorrow, but a testament of the heart. I wish X a world of happiness with Y, never doubting what lies within himself.Something that I believe all people possess is the ability to sense and know what the future holds without ever saying a word. It’s not always a clear knowing, more so a fog or faded photograph coming into focus as it nears. It may be time upon time but I know this will not be the end of the story for X, Y and I.

It's all been said by someone before

It's only love that I'm looking for.Maybe love is waitng at the end of every road.I don't know.Well maybe, maybe is alright.

.A friend indeed.

Good friends (true friends) are few and far between and for this reason I dedicate this journal entry to Mathieu Despres.~Friends instinctually know when something is wrong and with the slightest gesture and least amount of words can make you feel at ease~During my darkest hour, when I was too ashamed and afraid to ask for help Mathieu was there. Without asking he knew what to do and say to reassure me that everything would be okay….He was right. I could never thank Mathieu enough, for his time, understanding and compassion. There will always be a special place in my heart for “Matty-boy” (The dirty little boy from Cap-Pele)I wish him the best in life and a love that is truly serendipitous. Thank you Matty-boyCinnamon Rocks!

I'm tired of over thinking

If you love someone, you love someone.
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What things do people give up within them selves for the sake of love?

Do you just forget about how someone can push your buttons?
Dismiss their unkempt ways?
If you have different social views, do you bend?
When cultural affairs vary, should you sway?
When jealousy, lies and infidelity are sprinkled throughout a relationship,
do you turn a blind eye?
Should opinions of family and friends make you think?
Is loving someone unconditionally the only way to love?

I’m trying to move on but my head and this city are too small, voices follow you around every corner. Like a bruise, it hurts to touch but something keeps drawing me back.
Will I always want to go to back to what I’ve known as home?

“…. I'd get on the freewayKeep driving 'til next TuesdayAnd put a thousand milesBetween us, or moreBut I know that's not possibleAll the streets here run in circlesI wouldn't even make itOut of the core…..”
-Martina Sobara

The continuing process.....

The List:I am social. He is not.I have strong family ties. He does not.I am an open book. He is not.I am motivated. He is not.I give people the benefit of the doubt. He is judgmental.I require (above average) sexual attention. He does not.I am a clean freak. He is not.He is a jealous person by nature. I am not.He likes to be alone. I do not.He procrastinates. I do not.I understand that in order to be happy I need to make exceptions to the rule and let go of the past. This proves to be the single most daunting task and perhaps these underlying past issues are the main reason for our breakup. Our past mainly revolves around abandonment issues, but there is a much larger story behind it all....isn’t there always?