A list of things

I’m trying terribly to come to terms with the decisions I’ve made in my life and the choices I’ve made based on a relationship gone belly-up.Some days are crystal clear, there’s movement towards a better day and then in the same instance an undertow of emotion grabs hold. Trying to move forward while doubts and memories cloud my every thought makes the simplest of tasks seem tremendous.When I have a day of doubts I sit and write a list of reasonable and otherwise sane reasons for leaving my relationship with Wayne (I think this is the first time I’ve used his name). No matter how long or short the lists I still can’t seem to shake this feeling of error. Even more pressing is the overwhelming reality of making the same mistakes twice.I imagine the impression left by this relationship will echo on for longer than I care to admit. My new life needs to start now!

Undone and Waiting

The bottom has come up faster than I thought, distraction couldn’t slow its approach.I’ve gotten the better of me and now all I can do is wait for happier days. I know that the distance between here and there isn’t that far off, but like looking down a hallway of doors things appear to stretch on for days.I have a family and friends that love me and that’s enough for me to want to get better.All apologies must seem used by now, but there is truth in every one of them.

hurry up and wait.

Living in fast-forward for the past week isn’t really having the effect I’d hoped it would.You would think I were a man with a death sentence, trying to live every minute to it’s fullest. Not only am I lacking sleep, working 11 days straight and doing everything there is to do in Halifax in the name of distraction. I’m also still thinking about my “ex” and whether I really know what I’m doing anymore.Only 2 things are for certain, This pit in my stomach is growing. I doubt everything I do.

Moving On

It’s been 10 days since my last LJ entry and the “big break”. I feel the need to clarify my feelings a little more in order to move on.Saying that I “didn’t love my boyfriend as much as he loved me” was the wrong sentiment. The true reason for leaving may have been the fact that I loved him just enough, enough to realize that things just weren’t going to work out…I hadn’t realized during our relationship that I was always trying to change him.Hindsight is never a good feeling.I’m sure this entry must portray me as a martyr, believe me when I say there is no sympathy being sought here. Only a sense of absolution.This concludes our therapy session for today.I really need to get of this couch.

End of time

How do you tell someone that you don’t love them as much as they love you?Is it normal to have someone love you so much, but feel nothing in return?These are questions I’ve been harboring for sometime.Friday March 6, 2004 marks the end of a 7year relationship; it is a day I will never forget.I know that I am not the first, nor last to feel the pain of saying goodbye. Although sad now, I know in time that things will work out for the best. I pray for a fast-forward in time where feelings have mended and hearts have forgiven.Until then I lie in wait.

Street Prophets

For those of you just tuning in…It’s 2am on the east coast and I think the snow has stopped. It’s hard to tell, as the winds are still pretty strong causing blowing snow and what looks like gigantic swirls of dessert topping to manifest on street corners.It’s amazing how a province can be declared a “state of emergency” and yet appears more beautiful than ever. I suppose even the darkest of days look much brighter when blanketed with white. The sound of my breathing and the literal growl of the wind is what I thought would keep me company this morning, but the white paths, once roadways, were spotted with dark silhouettes of other nite time folk. I’m not sure why they were out, perhaps they had to be to work as well, maybe boredom/curiosity had lead them to the streets. One gentleman I passed acted as an un-official weather forecaster announcing that the storm should lift by 4 or 6am…. I hope he’s right.

Panick Stricken

For the second time in less than a year the Provincial Government has declared Nova Scotia as being in a “state of emergency”What does this mean for God fearing folk along the eastern coast?Well that depends on who you ask. For most it means slower service (if any at all) from their local Tim Horton’s, an interruption in cable/internet services and possibly a loss of power. To others it’s a time to get on the phone and start calling anyone that will listen to how hard you’ve got it. I love the city of Halifax as much as the next guy, and for the most part people really do pull together in a time of crisis, and in fact become much friendlier over all. Perhaps out of fear being “the straw that broke the camels back”.However, there is still the undeniable percentage of the general public that at the slightest bit of inconvenience becomes complete and utter assholes!Case in point; I work at the IWK Health Centre, as a switchboard operator (Sounds thrilling I know). As a switchboard operator we are the central nervous system for the entire hospital, literally. Processing all calls patients/emergency/doctors, you name it we get it! If my ass weren’t in this chair you wouldn’t be getting the medical attention that you need…(Talk about a God complex)Call after call each individual believes, that beyond a shadow of a doubt, their emergency is more dire than the last. I understand that when people are faced with an emergency situation they become a tad bit panicked, losing direction, general thought and apparently all common sense But come on’ people, throw me a frickin’ bone here! Take a deep breathe, listen to my voice, it shall guide you. We don’t need to hear about your grocery list, what the dog did on the carpet or who stopped by for tea and crumpets. Get to the point! All we need is a name or a department, and with angelic contentment in my voice I will transfer your call.There are literally hundreds of workers throughout the city of Halifax trying their best to help things run as smoothly as possible. It’s not anyone’s fault that Mother Nature is throwing a tantrum, we all just need to deal, and by doing so I mean step your big fat ass back away from the phone! Sit tight, eat another ding dong and everything will be alright.This has been a public service announcement brought to you by me!

jumping on the bandwagon, errr' bra strap?

The fall out of Mz. Jackson's breast at the Rose Bowl halftime show has hit hard and close to home....who's next....
That's Mz. Piggy if you're nasty!

Strumming in my brain

I’m hooked, yet again on a female musician
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I am aware that musical taste is to each his/her own.
However, this sassy gal shall not be denied!

Prepare for the parting of the air, the breath….

Leslie Feist:

Everyone has a story

At the age of 27 I’m feeling like a shell. Empty.I have yet to experience or to contribute to anything that holds any real meaning.Caught up in the “better body, better mind” movement, thinking I would be happier with a personal change, I joined a local gym. I enjoy going to the gym as an outlet to releases pent up energy or aggression (especially after work). And I do enjoy seeing the physical changes as time passes, however this is still not quite what I was looking for.Thinking that perhaps I could find fulfillment within others, I tried branching out into “the community”, to no avail. I’m meeting guys that are wolves in sheep’s clothing. Seemingly nice average guys, dreams, goals, aspirations, and lots to talk about. But screw that! Let’s try to get into your pants instead, not exactly a fulfilling situation.I don’t want to come off as a whiner or a constant complainer; I generally have a pretty good life. I’ve had my up’s & downs like many others and for the most part have broken even, actually…. looking back I’ve fared pretty damn well I’d say.Divorced parentsBi-Polar Mother Workaholic FatherA slew of “prospective mom/dad” replacements“Survivor” of childhood molestation (ages 9 – 11)2 Attempted suicides Being GayI hate to include “being gay” in the category of trials and tribulations. Being gay is just being gay. I feel I’ve lived just as much as the next guy, or at least up until this point in my life. I just want to feel like I’ve accomplished something that’s all. Perhaps I need to become a Big Brother (do they let gays do that?), help advance sustainable living in a third world country or join a “kabutz” (I believe this is mostly a Jewish tradition). I have no idea what to do, or where to start but something’s gotta give. So keep your eyes open, yours truly is making a dash for something better…..

Wait a minute Mr. Postman

I'm having a love affair....Shhhhh it's supposed to be a secret.The only people that know are myself and the accounting departmet of amazon.com/amazon.ca (it all depends on who's got the goods)For the past month and 1/2 on a weekly basis I have been ordering one, and only one item for shipment at a time. (usually something that I can't find locally). ie: I'll order an item Monday(am) and bingo instant heart flutter Thursday/Friday when I have a gift stuffed in my box (mail box that is)I open my mail and shriek with excitement upon finding a small brown cardboard package addressed to a one Mr. Mark Lively. This isn't a false excitement either. This is real Christmas time/Clearing house sweepstakes/more than one piece of pork in this can of beans kind of emotions I'm talking about here. Each and everytime I get a package from (amazon) I ask "what could this be" and "I wonder who could have sent it", out loud so that any passers by may hear. All the while batting my eyelashes as if a southern belle at a spring time gala. Of course knowing what the item really is and that nobody really loves me that much. Which reminds me Jesus Son dvd should be here Thursday without fail.I'm sure this love affair will end in the same fashion as all others do, feeling bitter, used and broke (emotionally and financially). It's an affair that I have promised to end with the passing of the cold grey days of winter....or at least until the gentlemen at MasterCard start calling.Things that brought me love,Leona Naess "Leona naess"Bjork: Greatest Hits Volumen 1993-2003 dvdCardigans "Other Side of the Moon"Nerina Pallot "Dear Frustrated Superstar"Hysterical Blindness dvdJesus Son dvd

Things I do on Monday morning at 3:07am

Just thought i'd drop by my LJ and write a few quick notes:1) Watched the fianle of "Angels in America" and came to the realization that although I'm not the "most smartest" or worldly of fellows, I DO get turned on by spectacular writing. I'm very jealous of those who possess the talent to put pen to paper and convey wit, emotion and truth. 2) At 3:07am snow falling on the city has become my favorite natural occurence. Fresh snow, especially the heavy wet stuff (with staying power) can make everything stand still for just a moment. Quite, clean and uncomplicated. I'm sure it'll be chaos by morning.3) No matter the age, I'm sure anyone who stays up past their bedtime encounters a period (although brief) wherein everything seems utterly funny, no matter how lame. Exhibit (A) for the courtroom.Night, Night Y'all.