Stormy Weather

I made him say the words so that things were crystal clear, no room for misinterpretation or confusion......"I don't want to be with you anymore"They were not the words that I wanted to hear, but they were words I needed to hear. Like a storm my emotions swirled about me hate, fear, resentment, panic, love. Yet at the very core I felt calm, a stillness in knowing. The truth is an awful thing to hear and face sometimes but it's better to know things as truth then to be left always doubting.I should be grateful to have had the time together that we did, and I am. I hope that after the storm has passed we will have both survived, moving onto a friendship that can whether anything..I still love you. I need a hurricaneTo straighted out this placeIt maybe the only wayTo salvage any sense I have leftTo move on~Mindy Smith~

Simply Stiff (delayed post)

There's Drama......
Sunday June 13th marked the return of the HBO hit Six feet Under. Following the everyday lives of the Fisher familyand the "stiffs" theyencounter along the way. Morbid, morose, manic and lovin' every minute of it. HBO pumps out more quality viewing than any other U.S. superstation; with Sex and the City, Sopranos, Deadwood and Carnivale just to name a few. If you have to watch one HBO series to keep up with the Jones' Six Feet Under is a must. Moving into it's 4th season story lines and character developments take us deeper and deeper into the struggles of life and mortality. Director Alan Ball "American Beauty" and a slew of guest directors including Kathy Bates "Everwood" and Nicole Holofcener "Lovely & Amazing" make each show an amazing work of beautifully twisted comedic art.
And then there's Drama.....
Simple Life 2 has started up, those trash talkin', catwalkin' glam girls of endless cash and class are at it again. Dropping by the homes of middle class america, frightening farm animals and whipping young lads into a state of sexual confusion. I'm not sure what it is exactly that attracts me to this show, the pretty colours, the pancake make-up or Nicole Richie's man voice.I shame facedly purchased the first season of haut hijinx on DVD. Please don't hate me.
clickity click:
SFU and SL2

Deafening Silence

Sometimes the difference between what you hear, and what you want to hear can be deafening. The silence said more to me than words could ever convey……. The situation means nothing, the answer means everything, it’s the principal behind it that matters. When hesitation is the first reaction you know it is not going to be good. The only reason for hesitation would be if there were doubts, and if there are doubts things should go no further, no more “I love you(s)” should be spoken and no plans for a future need be made. Stand where I’ve been and remember that I did not hesitate.

The truth as I know it.

The 4th of June will mark the third follow-up appointment I’ve attended since being released from the short stay unit of Abby J. Lane.I’m sure this visit will be as cold, clinical and stringent as the previous two. However I’m harboring guilt about this trip in particular. The lady I will be seeing is Linda MacBride. I initially met Linda a year ago after my family doctor referred me to a physician working in the mental health field; it was everything I feared it to be. (questions about my sexuality, recounting past feelings, tracing family history and poking at childhood bruises). Amongst the flurry of questions to which I politely answered “yes, mam, no mam” there was one question that when asked struck a chord within me, causing feelings of resentment, disgust and embarrassment. “Have you ever had feelings of harming yourself or others?”To which I curtly replied “No, not at all”. Whether she saw thru me that day or not was of no concern to me, I just wanted out of that office and far away from here. On June 4th I will have to look Linda in the eyes again, this time I imagine my medical records will be open neatly on her desk. The white and canary carbon copy pages detailing every event in the past few months will tell all, I will be an open book. The lines that cross my wrists being the strongest statement of them all……I lied.

Pour me a cup of ambition

I guess this may fall under the category “be careful what you wish for”.When I left my relationship of nearly 7years I wanted for both of us to be happy and this sentiment still holds true. I thought that maybe after making some much-needed changes in my life things would work themselves out and the pieces would fall back into place. Almost 3 months have passed and I’m feeling “happier” but still something is missing, it’s him. I still love my “ex” there’s no denying it, but what started out as a decision for the best appears to have bitten me hard on the ass.I am very thankful I’ve been able to invest time in addressing “issues” that might otherwise have been ignored had I remained in our relationship. I am also very thankful that my “ex” has had the opportunity to get back to basics and find out what really makes him happy. Unfortunately our ideas of happiness are like night and day. My “ex” has taken the creative route to happiness, his serious lack of ambition and a new found pot smoking habit has left me feeling rather light headed and heavy hearted. I am by no means judging anyone; in fact my mother and one of my siblings are avid users of pot, each having their own reasons and justifications. The point I’m trying to make is that it’s just not for me personally. I am also beginning to question the validity of a relationship when it is always being pursued during an altered state.Change is what I asked for and change is what I got.Maybe things don’t just fall into place after all, perhaps I’m using the wrong pieces of the puzzle altogether?….

When every pop song is written for you

...The saddest part of a broken heart isn't the ending so much as the start....Leslie Feist.~Let It Die~

20/20 Vision

It’s amazing when moments of clarity strike, on a bus, in the shower, watching your favorite television show or my personal favorite…while being on the phone with my “ex”.Without the risk of sounding to proud or pathetic I’ve always been on the defense about admitting that I still love my “ex”. Yes that’s “THE” love that I’m speaking of, not the brotherly love, family love or friendship love. I’m talking about the bona fide real deal.It’s been a little more than 2 months since I’ve left, my time has been occupied with work, family, medical professionals, help from a good friend and the uneasy feeling of growing apart. Reality Squared:I’m beginning to believe that my 10th grade math teacher was onto something when she said that mathematical problems exist all around us, and in fact control every facet of our lives. It’s the only logical explanation so far. I was absolutely terrible in math and true to form in my relationship. I’m now faced with a reality created by my own actions. I’m still in love with my “ex” who is now in love with someone new. I guess it’s not really fair to say that he’s IN love with this person, but there is a very strong interest on his part in perusing this someone new. In knowing this I have no idea which direction my life should take. Face the facts that I’ve messed up and accept my losses, or do I sit idly by hoping that things don’t work out for him? Either way both options are shitty.In retrospect I’m so tired of thinking about the situation that I almost want someone to make up my mind for me (namely the “ex”). Which is it…..Fight for the one that you love.Or obey the old adage. If you love someone let them go.